


The Tale and Myth of the Revered Arkenplug

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, M/M, apparently there are dwarf gods?, bilbo has five prostates, dwarf nipples, harry styles is mentioned, it's not even good it's just me pretending to be funny, seriously there's no plot, the arkenstone gets made into a buttplug, they can open locks, they're named after high school musical characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:37:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3383570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While blowing Bilbo one day, Thorin stumbles upon the Arkenstone, once thought lost. Really, the only logical thing to do at that point is to make it into a buttplug</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tale and Myth of the Revered Arkenplug

**Author's Note:**

> This was a Christmas present for Sabrina! We thought of this after seeing the Battle of Five Armies, to help cope with the pain

The Arkenstone, the crown jewel of the King Under the Mountain, the ruler of Erebor. Thorin had once thought it lost, or damn near close to, buried under the endless piles of gold. Then one day, he stumbled upon it, quite by accident.

See, ever since his (extremely successful) seduction of Master Baggins, and his (again, wildly successful) reclaiming of his home-mountain, Thorin Oakenshield had developed a very particular taste, a fetish, if you will, a sexual preference for gold and other jewels. They had to be involved in any escapade, or else Thorin couldn’t really get in the mood. He needed the soft caress of metal on his bare skin to get the blood flowing, and, although he had been a bit freaked out in the beginning, Bilbo had begun to take to it, or at least tolerate it for the sake of mind-blowing orgasms.

So yeah. One fine afternoon, Thorin decided to kick everyone out of the throne room, pinning Bilbo down as well as one could be pinned down in a massive pile of gold coins. He had just started sucking on that hobbit dick when his hand brushed against something from where it was buried under the coins. He immediately pulled his face away from Bilbo’s crotch, which made the hobbit do this half-whine, half-sigh thing. Because beard burn’s a motherfucker let me tell you. But yeah, so Thorin clenched his mighty dwarven fist around the Arkenstone and pulled it from where it had lain buried for centuries under mounds of gold.

“Thorin, is that, is it…” Bilbo trailed off, whether it was because he just got part of his brain sucked out through his dick or because it was such a monumental moment, Thorin couldn’t be sure. He didn’t really give much of a fuck, because, Arkenstone. Nuff said.

A thought suddenly occurred to him. The dwarf gods had obviously sent the Stone to him while he was having sex with Bilbo, which had to be a sign.

“My dear hobbit, the Arkenstone came to us during relations; do you know what that means?” Thorin said, rising off of his knees.

Thorin was leaning more towards the possibility of Bilbo’s mind deserting him during their sexcapades, as he didn’t even attempt to answer, just stared down at the dick that had been until very recently in Thorin’s mouth, looking distraught at the lack of aforementioned mouth.

Thorin grabbed Bilbo by the shoulders, forcing the hobbit to look into his beard. Or eyes, really, whichever worked for Bilbo.

“The gods have blessed our interspecies relationship! We must get married at once!” Which was kind of a dick move, since they hadn’t really had time to discuss their relationship in between the at least four orgasms a day they were each having. And now all of a sudden they were getting married, because of the freakin dwarf gods. Bilbo wasn’t too mad though. As far as sugar daddies went, Thorin was a pretty good one, massive piles of cash, always down for the sex. It was really very unlikely that Bilbo was going to find anyone better. Unless, of course, Harry Styles wanted to try out hobbit sex, which, when it was two hobbits, was remarkably similar to old white married couple sex, very vanilla, has to be scheduled in advance, etc. Although, Bilbo wasn’t entirely sure what sex between a human and a hobbit would be like. Dwarf and hobbit sex turned out great, but there’s only so much experimenting with other species a hobbit can do when he’s apparently engaged to a possessive dwarf king.

Thorin reached down and sifted around in the massive pile of gold coins until he produced a diamond ring. He held it aloft for a second before taking Bilbo’s hand and slipping it on.

“Did we just get engaged while my cock was hanging out?”

“That we did my love that we did.”

****

Dwarf weddings turned out to be massive affairs with roast beast abounding, and definitely no elves invited. Everyone got massively drunk, Bilbo wore an elaborately embroidered tunic, and Thorin braided his chest hair.

It was a night to remember.

The real treat, however, was in the presents given to the happy couple. Fili gave them a cat, Kili gave them a pet mouse that the cat promptly killed and ate. Quite understandably, Kili got quite upset, started throwing things like tables and peeing on them before setting them on fire. He was quietly escorted from the premises.

Balin and Dwalin went halfsies on a new blender for them, Bombur got them a bedazzler. Finally, it was time for Thorin to present his wedding gift to his husband. He brought it to Bilbo in an ornate chest, carved with heroic scenes of mass murder. Bilbo gasped in both shock and delight at the expense clearly gone to on this. The mood was then slightly ruined when it turned out the chest was locked, and Thorin couldn’t find the key, but it was resolved when Thorin simply used his nipples to pick the lock (a little known fact about dwarf nipples is that they can do that). Anyways, Bilbo was super excite. Like, hella. He was even more excited when his husband lifted the lid of the chest to reveal a butt plug. And not just any old butt plug, like one made out of gold. This butt plug was made out the goddamn Arkenstone. The flared base of it glittered and gleamed, the intricate facets throwing dancing light everywhere. Everyone gasped and clapped. Bilbo wanted that thing in his ass, like, yesterday.

He kissed Thorin deeply, their tongues dueling an Agni Kai, kind of like how Azula and Zuko did at the end of Avatar, except it wasn’t incestuous, because their totally different species. But it was kind of like that in that it was wicked awesome and fire was involved.

“All I got for you was some turkey flavored lube and some hair gel,” Bilbo whispered ashamedly, holding out his entirely inadequate gifts. Like, who gives someone hair gel as a wedding gift? It was at this point that Thorin realized Bilbo was kind of tacky, but he loved him anyway, and really wanted to put this butt plug in him already, for real.

So Thorin grabbed the hair gel and squirted it over all of his guests, yelling “Party’s fucking over, get the fuck out you fucking fucks!” Everyone laughed, because Thorin is a comedic genius, amirite?

Thorin scooped up his hobbit husband and sprinted (because dwarves are good at that over short distances) to the master bedroom of Erebor. Coincidentally, it looked exactly like the king’s bedroom from Cinderella, except, you know, not animated by Disney and shit. Thorin threw Bilbo down on the bed bodily then jumped on his body (geddit? God I’m hilarious). He broke open the turkey flavored lube (which actually smelled a bit more like chicken, as Thorin discovered when he attempted to sniff it and got some up his nose). He lubed up his massive dwarf fingers and just stuck one right in Bilbo’s ass, immediately seeking out one of the five prostates all hobbits have in their buttholes.

Bilbo moaned very loudly, because, prostates, amirite? (Disclaimer: I do not if I actually am right, because I do not actually have a prostate, nor have I ever touched one, I’ve just read obscene amounts of smut involving prostates) Anyway, Thorin was now two fingers in, getting as many of those prostates as he could find, like when you’re a kid and you’re pretending to fly a spaceship by pressing a whole bunch of buttons. Except this didn’t involve kids, because, pedophilia is a crime, and also it really wasn’t like that at all, I’m just really bad at similes.

Thorin slipped another finger in, because the Arkenstone was really big, and Thorin hadn’t wanted to slim it down that much, no matter what the gods wanted. Thorin would marry a hobbit he was already having lots of sex with for them, but making the Arkenstone regular butt plug size was just out of the question. So maybe it wasn’t so much the Arkenbuttplug as the Arkendildo. But it was shaped like a buttplug, just a really big one.. Thorin was going to have to investigate further, after this sex thing went down

After Bilbo’s ass seemed to be pretty well prepped, Thorin slowly slid in the dildo/plug. Bilbo gasped and moaned like he was in a yaoi fic from 2008 written by a 12 year old girl. He realllllyyy liked the fact that the plug was almost dildo-sized because he had five prostates. The first and primary prostate a hobbit has (which is also possessed by vagina-bearing hobbits) is the one closest to the stomach. It can be accessed by the anal cavity (duh) or by eating excess amounts of food, which is why hobbits are eating constantly, you’re welcome for destroying everything you love. The second, third, fourth, and fifth prostates are only inside hobbits with penises. Thorin had named Bilbo’s Ryan, Chad, Sharpay, and Troy. Sometimes singing could be heard coming from Bilbo’s butt, though no one could ever figure out why.

So, yeah. Bilbo was moaning and writhing, how you do when you got a giant butt plug stuck up your ass. Thorin was totally into it, and decided he wanted to put his dick in there too. But they were already in the heat of the moment, so he decided that could wait for another time, when Bilbo was less blissed out of his goddamn mind and could hold a conversation. Knowledgeable consent is important kids.

Thorin fucked Bilbo with the Arkenplug (Note: I’m writing this on the couch and my parents are a few feet away. Stay in school) a whole lot. Like, a lot. Until Bilbo had come at least three times, which I could explain in great detail, but I’m not going to because I’m a lazy motherfucker who is terrible at writing smut. Plus, if you’re this far into this cracked-out terrible excuse for a present, you’re here for the witty commentary, not the actual plotline, let’s be real.

The fucking went on, the coming continued until the sheets were so disgusting that Bilbo would have felt legitimately sorry for the people who had to wash them, because those fuckers didn’t even have washing machines. Nerds.

Finally, at long last, (around a week later), Bilbo emerged from his sex-haze, and him and Thorin had a talk. Where they spoke. About things. Things like double-penetration, because they were married and Thorin couldn’t just stick it in in the heat of the moment anymore. Consent is vital kids. This is how that conversation went.

“Bilbo”

“Yah”

“So…”

“So…..”

“You like the butt plug”

“Yeah, Sharpay’s super into it. So is Troy.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.”

“Uh, so…”

“What?”

“I was thinking…”

“About?”

“Double penetration.”

“With who? Like, Kili’s really hot, but he’s your nephew. Are you down with incest?”

“Nah, like double penetration involving my dick and the plug.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“That sounds cool.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, maybe we can invite Kili another time.”

And the very next day, they did just that (not the threesome, the other one, with Thorin’s dick and the mighty Arkenplug). This time Chad and Ryan started singing a duet, which were accompanied nicely by the grunts Thorin made while he thrusted. It was kind of like an acapella group involving singing prostates and thrusting dwarves. Thorin thought they should record it, put it on the internet. Maybe they could become famous like Pentatonix. Except with sex. Yeah.

And that, children, is the story of the Arkenplug. The crown jewel of the King Under the Mountain turned into a butt plug for the hobbit husband of the dwarf king. The plug went missing some time ago, but they say, whoever is worthy of it, it will come to them. I think we all learned something here today.

**Author's Note:**

> http://hobbits-are-people-too.tumblr.com/  
> This is my tumblr idk how to make it a link bc i'm incompetent please follow me.


End file.
